Friday, April 8, 2016

My Attempt at Fake Christian News

The other day, a friend from my office passed along a link to an article from The Babylon Bee, a satire Christian news site in the vein of The Onion. I thought the fake news story he sent me was funny, and I also thought, I can do that! I thought it might be fun to try my hand at something I don't get to do every day. So I told my coworker, "Challenge accepted," and sat down to write my own fake news story from the world of evangelical faith. What follows is my submission:


Workday Volunteer Inadvertently Trims Church’s Hedge of Protection

ATHENS, GA—George Steinmann, a regular attender at Second Baptist Church, accidentally trimmed the church’s hedge of protection Saturday while serving as a spring cleanup volunteer. “I didn’t realize it was a special hedge,” said Steinmann, 54. “It looked like all the others.” 

The hedge in question, an overgrown Cherry Laurel, had been painstakingly cultivated my members of Second Baptist through years of prayer. Each time someone asked the Lord to provide a hedge of protection, it is believed new leaves sprouted.

“I just don’t feel as safe now. With the rise of ISIS and all the violence in the world, this couldn’t have happened at a worse time,” said long-time member Doris Bagley, while also noting that the bush is now uneven. 

When asked if this incident would deter the church from holding future cleanup days, senior pastor David Johnson said, “That’s unlikely. This was clearly a mistake, and with new prayers for protection being prayed all the time, I’m confident the hedge will grow back soon.” He then added, “In the meantime, church members are being asked to take whatever precautions are necessary to guard their families.” 

Update: Next Saturday’s volunteer cleanup day will coincide with the recently announced Onward Christian Soldier Gun Show.


So if you haven't figured it out, this piece was not accepted by The Babylon Bee. Yesterday, two days after I sent my article, they published an eerily similar one on the same topic. (Click here to read it.) I'll let you decide which one is better. As for me, I did what I tell my 21-month old son to do when he slips and falls: I tried again. I'll keep you posted. 


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